PRIZE COMPETITION: A Frame Around Your Facebook - by Matthew Wingett

Matthew Wingett looks at how a few well thought out words reframing a problem on facebook can make someone's day go so much better - and invites you to make up your own reframe - and win a prize.

Matthew Wingett, Editor, NLP LIFE

---

Facebook is largely a medium of the written word - and because of it, what you write on it is not only open to distortion - but can also suffer from the writer not really thinking about what they are saying before hitting that "submit" button.

One facebook "friend" of mine is a nice enough guy when you meet him face-to-face, but meet him facebook-to-facebook, and it seems as if another person has hijacked his account. On his facebook pages, he is continually making reference to the workings of his bodily functions and how often he has to use the toilet. Bless him, he does it with such a lack of self-awareness and innocence that it is almost sweet. But booting up on a Monday morning after a weekend of relaxation, being told "I must go for a pooh" as a plain statement of fact, does not - at least for me - set quite the right mood music with which to commence the week, let alone put the right pictures in my mind.

Another "friend" of mine is utterly charming and funny when I meet him for a social drink. But his obsession with music once drove his twitchy fingers to list "The Top 10 Albums Of All Time" not only once, but 25 times. Why?  Because having chosen his top 10, he then went on to do 11-20, 21-30 and so on. When I logged on to facebook I was confronted with a list of 250 albums - most completely obscure - that obviously meant a lot to him. Now, I use facebook to keep up with friends, and he had squeezed everyone else out.  In the end, I was forced to switch off his increasingly obsessive announcements, just to be able to see what everyone else was doing. It was as if, late in the night, the usual self-censoring, or self-editing faculty of most people just switched off.  To be frank, it was an insight into nerdery that I could have done without.

That said, I am guilty of misusing facebook myself.  For example, I have always had a stormy relationship with my sister. And recently on facebook, we disagreed about politics. To fill in the back story, my sis is a journalist for the Daily Mail - while I have slightly more anarchic leanings. I suppose that I hadn't deconditioned one of my reflexes to her, because I ended up pointing out just how crass some of her pronouncements on politics were...  Hey presto!  I was "defriended". In fact, she hasn't spoken to me since!

So, not quite getting your point across on facebook is something a lot of us are prone to. - And yes, that includes me, who is meant to communicate for a living...

This all said, I think it's wise to advise you to think about what you are writing on facebook before you put anything down. Before you press that button and consign your late night thoughts after a few beers to the world, consider: how will it affect the person at the other end? Will it make their day brighter, or less so? Is what you are saying helpful? Do you want to be remembered for the cheery and bright things you say, or be forever associated in the mind of unknown others with being a real Eeyore, a nerd - or even someone who has an unhealthy fascination with defecation?

Remember: before you press the button, STOP A MOMENT...

Ask yourself: Is what you have written really what you wanted to say?

The exchanges below are taken from the facebook page of a friend of mine who had her purse stolen. I think it is a great lesson in how her friends each had very different levels of awareness of how their responses might affect her. The ones that direct her back to her problem, while often sympathetic, often serve only to reinforce a negative emotion. Those that make humour from the situation are so much more uplifting and really do help.

Overall, these are pretty straightforward expressions of support, and my friend took them in pretty good heart. But I am not sure that being reminded that losing a card is a "pain in the arse" is particularly useful. One of the things I have realised in my life is that people who sympathise when something goes wrong in my life are probably the least welcome. What they do is reinforce a sense of helplessness in me, and I have to then redirect and refocus myself, DESPITE their sympathy.  I suppose that is what anchoring is about. What the sympathiser is doing is associating themselves with the problem in hand.

Of course, it's a balancing act: not showing sympathy in some situations can appear to be the height of cold-heartedness - but it can also be perceived as dwelling on a problem when you do. As ever, it's a judgement call.

REFRAMING PRIZE COMPETITION

Anyway, over to you. A free copy of "Make Your Life Great" worth £9.99 to the top 2 people who send in a witty or wise comment that they heard or thought of when hearing about a problem.  The reframe can be on any subject you like - just make it a good one!

Please submit your ideas to: matthew.wingett@nlplifetraining.com.  Please put FACEBOOK COMPETITION in the subject line.

Entries should be submitted by 15th September 2010.

Winners will be announced in the September issue of NLP LIFE.

Thanks for taking part!

To find out more about how to communicate more elegantly, book on to one of your NLP courses, now.