Good Manners Begin At Home - by Anna Foss
Anna Foss describes a gift you can give yourself this Christmas, by considering what you really should put up with from yourself - and what you should not!
Anna Foss, NLP Trainer and Hypnotherapist
Imagine what would happen if, every day, you told your friends the following:
- You’re ugly in so many ways. Nobody is interested in you because of it.
- You're in deep trouble. Just wait until they discover who you really are.
- What exactly have you achieved in life? Give me some examples! Face it: you have nothing.
- You’re so full of problems that no one likes to spend time with you.
- Honestly, you have nothing to be proud of. Stop fooling yourself.
I guess you'd run out of friends in no time - and the ones you'd have left would probably be either deaf, have a pretty low opinion of themselves, or have skin as thick as a rhino driving a tank! What's strange is that many people have these kinds of thoughts about themselves every single day - and go on repeating them to themselves over and over again. We all know that good manners are important when we are dealing with others "out there". But what about starting a little closer to home and cultivating old-fashioned good manners "on the inside"- towards your self - and on a daily basis?
When we're in a not-so-pleasant state of mind, we often encounter people, things and situations - cars... buildings... cats... doors... in fact anything that can mirror our bad mood. "On a bad day, everything and everybody is bad and annoying." It’s like wearing very dark sunglasses. Everything is so dark. The opportunities are like beams of light filtered out: they are in front of us, it's just that we don't see them - yet. Having good manners towards yourself affects what kind of "sunglasses" you’re wearing and how you experience your surroundings. It’s like the difference between night and day.
I recently spent some time with clients and friends discussing "good-manners-on-the-inside", and finding out how they raise their spirits in different situations. I hope you find some of the strategies below inspiring and useful.
The thing that my friends, clients and I all agreed on was that the first thing you need to do is catch yourself in the very moment that you start being so rude to yourself. Thoughts and internal dialogs can be automatic, and so fast that they're very easy to miss. It’s when we get bad feelings that we understand that something has just happened. The secret is to focus on the inside - and with Sherlock Holmes’s, Miss Marple’s and Mr. Poirot’s elegant precision, work to unmask that bad-mannered thought.
Once you know what has changed your state, ask yourself the following questions:
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What’ll happen if I switch it, and say the very same things that I'm thinking about myself to a friend instead? Would I really feel happy about saying this to someone I like?
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What’ll happen if I keep on showing myself these bad manners on the inside?
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What would be an example of showing myself good manners? What could I think instead? (If it’s difficult, pretend that you’re giving your best friend some advice. What kind of advice would you like to give?)
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What do I want to happen to me from now on? Can I get those things by having good manners on the inside? (Be honest! I bet you can!)
For some of us, we found that these kinds of questions are very effective. For others, we found that we need to distort the bad manners in a more creative way.
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Every time one of my clients gets negative thoughts about herself, she imagines a pink, crazy-looking middle-aged monk who spanks himself with a goose feather! She laughs every time she imagines it. Laughter is a great weapon.
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Another of my clients changes the voice of his internal dialog. A mixture between Donald Duck and Angelina Jolie makes him relax and feel good. I really don’t get this one, but it obviously works for him.
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My aunt told me that every time she thinks bad stuff about herself, she stops and says to herself, "I don't get fewer wrinkles from doing this!" Then, like a wet dog, she literally shakes off the bad feelings and thinks more uplifting thoughts.
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A friend of mine imagines a creature - a small devil with Goofy ears, a Miss Piggy face and a cranky nasal voice who vomits bad stuff about him. He yells "Shut up!" at the creature to quieten it down. It works every time.
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Another friend of mine tried all kinds of techniques. None of them worked until she decided to meet the fear in the eye. When she figured out what she was spinning around in her mind and body, she just made it 10 times worse. She told herself extremely bad things and made all the internal pictures/movies worse and worse. She embraced every single thought and feeling, and doubled all the bad internal thoughts. Suddenly everything stopped, and at one point she felt that enough really was enough. Then she experienced an inner relief and smiled with her heart for the very first time in many, many years.
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An effective tip from another friend is to use a slingshot. Every time you find yourself experiencing negative feelings and thoughts, imagine that you’re putting them all into a small ball and firing them away with the slingshot.
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When my teenaged daughter catches herself with bad internal dialogue, all she does is drink a refreshing glass of water. She told me how, this works; "My head takes a break. After all, for me it’s difficult to drink water and think at the same time. Besides, water is healthy and flushes away bad things. Best of all, it's great for my skin. So, more water, fewer pimples!"
It’s often said that you are your own very best friend, and that you have the leading role/part in your own life. The question all of us could ask ourselves then and now:
- How would you like to treat your own very best friend?
Know the answer?
Great! Now you know the answer, give yourself the gift of good manners this Christmas! And take those good manners into the New Year, too!
Anna Foss, Licensed NLP Trainer, Oslo Norway
Copyright © Anna Foss, in all media.
Anna Foss, NLP Trainer
web: www.annafoss.com
e-mail: af@annafoss.com
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