Why, Dad, Why? - by Matthew Wingett

A big deal is often made in NLP about the question: "Why?" 

When we're first learning how to use the Meta Model and understanding how to get people to see and think about things differently, we are told to avoid it like the plague. 

"But why?" some people ask.

An exchange I heard between a mother and daughter explains "why" rather well.  Just to give the exchange a context, I should explain that the daughter suffered from OCD, and was extremely good at being demotivated.  She was also very intelligent, but had a "literalist" take on what people said to her.  Her mother, on other hand was trying, unsuccessfully, to motivate her to do something:

Daughter: Oh, I don't want to do anything.  I just know it's going to be such a difficult day.

Mother:  Look: why don't you just go upstairs and get yourself ready to go out?

Daughter: Because I haven't got any clothes to wear

Mother: Why don't you get some from the airing cupboard?

Daughter: Because there aren't any the colour I want.

Mother: Why don't you wear a different colour?

Daughter: Because they won't look right with my shoes.

Mother: Why don't you wear different shoes?

Daughter: Because those shoes are the most comfortable.

Mother: Well, why don't you go and get ready, and put the right coloured clothes in the tumble dryer?

Daughter: Because I want to stay down here and talk to my friend on the phone.

Mother: Why don't you take the phone upstairs and finish your call with your friend up there?

Daughter: Because I want to make a cup of tea down here.

Mother: Why don't you make the cup of tea and take it upstairs to get ready?

Daughter: Because I don't want to get ready.

Mother: Why don't you want to get ready?

Daughter: Because I know it's going to be a difficult day.

- Well, it sure was!

That, genuinely, was the exchange that I heard between them.  After more exasperation, I took the mother to one side and said to her:  "Look, just give her an order.  See what happens."

She did so, and funnily enough, with her literalist take on the world, the daughter just went and did it.  As she was leaving the room, she said to her mother: "Mum, I don't like you talking to Matt, he knows how to get you to get me to do things."  Which I think rather gave the game away!

What you'll notice about the use of the word "Why" in this context is that it feeds on itself.  The word asks you to justify an already stated proposition.  It acts to reinforce stuckness.

"Why" does have another effect. As any dad will know who has had an inquisitive son, "why" can drive you crazy.

Son: Dad, why do I have to put my coat on?

Father: Because you will get a cold if you don't.

Son: Why?

Father: "Because there are germs in the air.

Son: Why?

Father: Because, er... that's where they live?

Son: Why?

Father: Because... I don't know why!  Now what was I saying?

This exchange, shows you another effect of "why".  It can draw people away from useful exchanges and get them sidetracked in irrelevant detail.  It is for this reason that "why" can at times be an extremely unhelpful question.

But sometimes "Why" can be a really useful question.  Sometimes it can get right to the heart of required information.

"I feel like killing myself."

"Why?"

"Because I hate everything."

Cool!  Now that answer jumps straight into a description of a particular state.  It provides an opening into a Meta Model question that can start taking the person elsewhere.

Another useful application of "why" comes from the effect we've already noted before:  its never-ending spiral of justification.  Sure, if someone is saying something bad about themselves, "why" is going to keep them moving in the same direction, and keep them spiralling down.  But "why" can be useful to build up a state, too - provided you don't over-use it!

"There is one thing I feel good about: the relationship I have with my friends..."

"Why do you feel good about it?"

"Because they love me."

"Why do they love you?"

"Well, I suppose... because I'm...er... worth it?"

So, there we have a positive spiral which is starting to take the person upwards.

That all said, I would steer clear of using "why" on clients unless you are absolutely sure why you are using it.  Try it on friends in conversation from time to time.  Notice how it can reinforce positions and get people to justify the most ridiculous arguments.  And that's why why is a word to be handled with care!

To learn more about the most effective use of language, train with Richard Bandler and John and Kathleen La Valle at out NLP training courses.